


i love you like i've never felt the pain

by wanderinglilly



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, POV Second Person, Soulmates, mostly text
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderinglilly/pseuds/wanderinglilly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You meet him first in the enclosed space of a metal ship.</p>
<p>There is a familiarity to his face, something you can’t quite pinpoint, and in his eyes there is the slightest flash of recognition, but it’s too soon gone for you to notice, even less for you to remember later, when he and his own declare themselves your utmost opponents, here to bring down everything you stand for.<br/>-<br/>or: "We only remember each other in alternating lifetimes so every lifetime we have to find one another and convince each other that we’re soul mates but half the time I won’t believe you and half the time you’re already dating someone else" AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	i love you like i've never felt the pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bellarkesupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=bellarkesupernova).



> THIS WAS SO FUN  
> also this was totally not what i intended to write but i hope you like it anyway  
> this is for @bellarkesupernova on tumblr :))) i hope you like it sweetie  
> also i may write a bellamy side of this

You meet him first in the enclosed space of a metal ship.

There is a familiarity to his face, something you can’t quite pinpoint, and in his eyes there is the slightest flash of recognition, but it’s too soon gone for you to notice, even less for you to remember later, when he and his own declare themselves your utmost opponents, here to bring down everything you stand for.

You should feel angrier, you guess. But you can see the reason for his anger (it was no secret to you that yours was no home to a society of equals, but it had never affected you, and with your father you’d lost all that you wanted to fight for in the way that he fights for his sister –the only real privilege he’s ever had), and you can forgive him, because there is something in his eyes, something in the way he acts when there isn't a crowd around him that makes you trust him, makes you think he’s more than the egotistical, resentful man he’s shown himself to be.

You don’t dwell much on it (on him), though, the ground is enormous, filled with as many wonders as it has dangers, the people you’re living in it with introducing you to things you never believed possible.

You don’t notice Bellamy Blake’s eyes on you all the time, studying you like you’re some kind of mystery that he’s trying his hardest to decipher, instead you let yourself fall for the kind, easygoing Finn, let yourself believe there can be peace in this blood-soaked world.

 

* * *

 

One day, not long after your day trip with Bellamy, you’re raiding another bunker. You went out in an expedition with Miller, Bellamy, Octavia, Fox and, of course, Finn. At some point of the day, you and Bellamy are left alone, or as alone as one can be while walking in the back of a group. The rest of the guys are chatting up a few paces a head, and Bellamy talks camp logistics to you.

You understand him better now. It’s not as hard for you to see through his facade as it used to, and you think that maybe you’re not friends, but neither are you enemies. You smile then, just a little with one corner of your mouth, and Bellamy watches you with the same look he directed at you that first day on the drop-ship. You don’t remember it, of course, but you do know that he looks like he’s holding back from saying something.

“Clarke, do you remember?” he asks, out of nowhere, confusing you.

“Remember what?” it must not have been the answer he wanted, because he looks down then, shaking his head as if regretting to ask the question. You want to pressure him into telling you, but then Finn shows up and throws an arm around you, offering to carry your share of the goods brought from the bunker for you the rest of the way. You refuse, of course, but when you look to Bellamy there is only empty space: he is now in the front of the group, talking to his sister.

You feel like you missed something and, from there on, there is a tugging in a corner of your heart.

* * *

 

You don’t see him for what feels like an eternity. Whatever your expectations for the battle with the grounders were, getting locked up in a bunker filled with radiation-intolerant people was not one of them. You’re glad everyone is okay, of course, everything you've done until now has been with the sole purpose of keeping them alive.

But you can’t help but think of the sacrifices that brought you to this place –Finn, oh Finn… and Bellamy, when you think of him it feels like you betrayed him, and you suddenly can’t breathe. Being trapped beneath the ground doesn't help either.

_You just don’t raise a kid between four metal walls in space, then give them freedom to roam the actual Earth as they please, and then expect them to go back to being trapped_  (because that’s what the Mountain feels like, like a trap),  _without a sequel or two._  Is what you think while wandering the place, looking for anything that’ll help you get out.

You do make it out eventually. Make it to your people, even –but it costs you a valuable ally and the abandonment of what’s left of your people. You will retrieve them eventually, for the secrets you have brought with you from Mount Weather are too heavy to simply keep. And you've never been one to stay silent when injustices (if that’s even a proper name for what’s being done to grounders and, soon enough, to your people within the mountain) are happening around you. You will bring down the mountain, and you will rescue your friends.

But your heart is heavy with your friends’ deaths. The ones you caused. It has been hard, but your mind has been getting around it, so it is a most wonderful surprise when, almost as soon as you leave the medical tent, you see him there: bloodied, cut beyond belief and looking like he’s never once slept, but very much alive.

Before you know it, your legs are moving on their own, your heart bursting with an emotion that has not once been directed towards anyone but that feels as natural as the trees around camp, a kind of feeling that’s oddly familiar in your chest. When you reach him, you cling to him, hold him close so that you’re certain that he’s alive and well, that he’s not only the cruel product of your dreams.

In that moment you realize it: he is dear to you, has wormed his way into your heart (or maybe he was already there). When? You have no idea, but then he returns the hug and nothing else matters, just the point where your lips touch his neck and you can feel his pulse, warm and fast, very much alive.

It is only a moment, and there is surely hell to come, but you think you’ll remember it forever.

* * *

 

With the fall of the Mountain, you think something of you has fallen too. Never has Earth forced your hand in such a terrible way, and it has had you take some terrible decisions. The trek back to Camp Jaha helps you figure out just how much you can’t stay there, the weight on your shoulders heavier than ever.

And while leaving in general is hard, nothing you've ever done (not even killing naive, hopeful, innocent Finn) is quite as hard as saying goodbye to Bellamy is.

He has become a partner, a best friend, a part of you. There is something in the back of your mind that wants to know him from somewhere else, maybe it does, but you’re too overwhelmed to dwell on it.

When you tell him, you see a side of him you've never had the chance to witness before: desperate, pleading Bellamy. It constricts your heart in ways you don’t think about, because this is not the arrogant dictator that got out of the drop-ship, the man who would have had her do everything for him in retribution for a life she could not help. Bellamy’s eyes are filled with sorrow, yes, but there is something in there that reminds you of that time in the woods, of the day when you gave him the wrong answer to a question you didn't understand.

You kiss his cheek then, because you can’t make him better by staying, you can only hurt him even more, but maybe your departure will help him heal. Bellamy doesn't plead anymore, knows you too much to think he could change your mind, but he looks at you so meaningfully, you turn your back so you can’t disappoint him more.

As you walk away, you think you’ll miss him most.

* * *

 

Seven years later, you come back to Camp Jaha. It can’t even be called a camp anymore, for it is more of a city, its wired-fence now a proper wall. You have traveled long and witnessed other cities, but there is a gloriousness to the one created by your friends and family that you've never seen anywhere else.

This is your favorite life, you think, and you had to almost die to see it.

You’re welcomed back with open arms, your mother clinging to you like this is the last time she’ll ever see you and not the exact other way around. All of your friends are glad to see you, even Jasper, but you don’t see Bellamy anywhere.

You don’t want to inquire about him, but Raven must see the question in your eyes, because she tells you –not without a smirk on that pretty face of hers, leaning heavily on her new, shiny brace, that he’s out on a hunting trip and won’t be back until a few days. A blush takes place upon your cheeks, then, and Raven laughs heartily, offering to show you around camp in the meantime.

It’s better that way, you think. You need to gather your bearings before you see him again.

* * *

 

He comes back four days later, along with both Millers and a dozen more men. They’re all carrying some sort of carcass on their backs, looking like it is something they do on a daily basis.  _They probably do_ , you think. Bellamy, for his part, looks glorious in a way you don’t remember seeing him: he’s well-fed, his hair cut shorter than the last time you saw him all those years ago and a few worry-lines showing on his face, as well as a shallow cut on his cheek, but he’s not any less handsome than his twenty-three year old self.

Bellamy Blake is a grown man, and you are in love with him.

He carries the dead body of a boar, and when he sees you, it falls to the ground with a loud  _thud_. He runs then, takes you by the weight and spins you around thrice, and you’re smiling so hard you think your face is going to fall. Snaking your arms around his neck, you stand on the tips of your feet when he puts you down so you can kiss him.

He’s startled, and you’re too sure that those are tears that you feel rolling down his cheeks, but he kisses you back just as fiercely. When you part, you confirm it: he is crying, but then so are you.

“I remember” you tell him, and his eyes light with a hopefulness that his face is unwilling to betray. “I almost died, hit my head on a rock so hard I was unconscious for a week, but I woke up and everything was there: Greece, Rome, the lower-towns in Italy, South America, and the Philippines before the war… everything. I’m so sorry, Bellamy.” It takes you forever to say this, what with the hiccups that wrack your body. He smiles at your explanation, his face growing happier with every word, so that by the time you finish he tucks you into him, holding you so close and so hard you don’t think you can breathe, but not a complain escapes your lips.

“Shh. It doesn't matter, Princess. You remember? So do I. I always remember, don’t you know by now?” and you do, it was his love and insistence that saved you from an arranged marriage in medieval Italy, and it was him who drove you to divorce your important husband, back when you were a noblewoman and he an emperor of Rome. You know you’re always the forgetful one.

But you've met early in this life, and you've loved him since before you even remembered him, you think. He seems to remember himself, then, because he hands his catch to the younger Miller and ushers you into his cabin (a cabin!!). In there, you discuss your absence, and you are able to notice that he resents you even though it conflicts him, but you cannot blame him for it. Your time away has helped you realize that by deciding to carry your people’s burden alone, you left him alone with a burden of his own, too.

And as you kiss him, you realize you will gladly spend the rest of your life atoning for it.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment so i can know if you liked it maybe?


End file.
